The Dream

It's one of those nights when I open my eyes with my heart pounding hard in my chest;

I feels empty and horrified --- I just had a nightmare and I liked it so much that I regret to have waken up,

There is a time I think that I have the control;

Yet an the abyss of night when the sleep is healing the souls of the blessed ones;

I'm living my alternate life of dreams - the abyss of nothingness I can accept the truth about myself 

I can express the strongest and realest of my heart's desires

The flames of hate and stomach-butterflies of love in my body are finally 

I'm burning and free flying on clouds --- And I like it

It's then that It's okay to miss the human affection, the embrace of a loving woman, 

and the warm of her from her skin and the smell of her flesh.

Capti per somnium - Art by Zy

Ooh my dreams,...so shameless and bold 

So real in the moment and never becoming true

I always though I dream about domains where I frail

I turns out I dream about domains where I aspire want to do much better 

No I admit that I don't do well on those subjects.

I thought I could live safely and healthy without emotions; now I don't know anymore,

Unfortunately the more deeper I bury them; the heavier and unbearable they become and hit me hard when they get out,

Not only did they feel like scratch that I wanted to relieve of myself,

But they are screaming inside my head to block any other thoughts,

I can feel them crawling in my brain and almost making me mad to the core

I wonder if I'm going crazy

Let's pretend once more, I can keep them in check

Yet that is not the case in my dreams; I can’t keep that wave away and It strikes me harder than ever and I lose control;

Something tempting, irresistible, and uncontrollable was unleashed last night

I didn't know I have those images on my conscious! They are so vivid that I almost drowned in pleasure, despair and desires. 

I was so miserable that I could hardly breathe and 

I am sure I screamed and my hearth was racing like at 200,000 miles an hour

I wanted and I didn't want to, I couldn't figure out what to do about it 

So I just give in 

And I let go of regrets and shame;

All innocence gone and left in my misery, there was no other savior that I needed

This pain is so much to bear and my heart in pounding again like I'm about to get  heart-attack; 

The reasons without reasons and like she is the only one on the Earth to be wanted;

 Like I would give up the heaven for someone who has known better to live her life; 

The sinner who don't need any forgiveness but only her Prayers

Who doesn't want nothing too do with the Heaven except the taste of ambrosia off her lips

No salvation to my soul would be enough to replace that hole in my heart 

Why do I have to have hurtful 

The feeling of dagger deep in my chest 

Is there anything left to pray for?

It's no selfish to want someone or anything that much --- for the redemption of one's damned soul!

There is probably someone somewhere who thinks of me a worthy spirit needed saving

But it's not like I have  choice; or Universe going to intervene

Yet why would I dream of the best moments that I hoped to have longtime ago, lost them, found them, and lost them again? This is not re-union that I'm looking for, this is a happily-ever after I seek.

POEM by & for A.